today i am sober 323 days~ last time i had real sober time was last feb (2014) and i had 102 days. i “fell off” the wagon on my own recourse when i was away on an adult only all-inclusive vacation~ i made the decision to drink~ i knew what i was doing. i wanted to “have fun” while i was away from home, the kids and my “responsibilities”. this weekend we are heading to the Caribbean for a week vacation of fun in the sun~ however i am “choosing” to continue my road of sobriety because i know i am an alcoholic and i can’t drink alcohol~ i can’t have just one~ i never have just one, ever! i say, i am “choosing” b/c i feel i do have a choice now~ i no longer have the obsession of drinking or thinking about drinking~ so i have a choice whether to pick up that first drink~ i see the reminders often of how things were from the people around me who still drink~ i don’t miss the hangovers, guilt, shame or just being a hot mess who never accomplished things i started or needed to do. i am allergic to alcohol and one day it could kill me~ and that is not how i want my story to end!
so now as i read blogs and see posts on social media where people keep tripping on the road to sobriety~ i keep asking why? how, you had so many XXX days? but wasn’t that just me a year ago? how many times did i say i was going to quit to only make it a few days or weeks~ hell, if i did make it to weeks. some of these friends have even joined 12 step programs, attended therapy or even participated in out patient treatment programs. so why am i “getting it” now and they are not? what am i doing different this time? what has changed if anything? sometimes when i see these posts i don’t even want to respond~ like i am afraid i will catch the drinking bug from them. however i know i can’t ignore these “friends”~ they need my support and yours too~ we have to give back what was so freely given to us.
whatever i am doing at present seems to be working and i only can pray that it will continue tomorrow, next week and next month~ i will not drink today and i will only focus on today. i will not think about tomorrow, next week or next even year. i will continue participating (key word) and attending 12 step meetings. i am working with a sponsor and after vacation we are going to start tackling step 4. i will continue attending and participating (key word) at church and praying to my higher power~ i lost my spirituality and connection to God the last few years and coincidentally that was the same time my drinking became a serious problem and affecting my everyday life. i will stay connected and continue to build my real life support system. the social media world is great but for me, i need people in my everyday life who are on the same journey as me. this is what i am doing differently this time and it seems to be working~ and the best part~ i can’t remember the last time i felt guilt or shame~ or upset w/ myself b/c i let someone down or didn’t do what i said i would do~
so on vacation if i complain to myself my shorts are a lil too tight or catch myself giving the snake eye to that hot mom that looks incredible in her bikini~ i will remind myself that i am a sober warrior~ i feel pretty damn good about myself and how cool i look as a sober momma~ i love who i am becoming and i can’t remember the last time i felt this way and could even acknowledge it to myself and others!
wishing you all a wonderful week and hope the snow gods are give you a break and you begin to defrost in your neck of the woods. i promise to wear lots of sunblock and take some pics to share with you when i return on happy hearts day!
thank you as always for reading and your support!