why this time?~ well so far anyway~

today i am sober 323 days~ last time i had real sober time was last feb (2014) and i had 102 days.  i “fell off” the wagon on my own recourse when i was away on an adult only all-inclusive vacation~ i made the decision to drink~ i knew what i was doing.  i wanted to “have fun” while i was away from home, the kids and my “responsibilities”. this weekend we are heading to the Caribbean for a week vacation of fun in the sun~ however i am “choosing” to continue my road of sobriety because i know i am an alcoholic and i can’t drink alcohol~ i can’t have just one~ i never have just one, ever!  i say, i am “choosing” b/c i feel i do have a choice now~ i no longer have the obsession of drinking or thinking about drinking~ so i have a choice whether to pick up that first drink~ i see the reminders often of how things were from the people around me who still drink~ i don’t miss the hangovers, guilt, shame or just being a hot mess who never accomplished things i started or needed to do.  i am allergic to alcohol and one day it could kill me~ and that is not how i want my story to end!

so now as i read blogs and see posts on social media where people keep tripping on the road to sobriety~ i keep asking why? how, you had so many XXX days?  but wasn’t that just me a year ago?  how many times did i say i was going to quit to only make it a few days or weeks~ hell, if i did make it to weeks.  some of these friends have even joined 12 step programs, attended therapy or even participated in out patient treatment programs. so why am i “getting it” now and they are not?  what am i doing different this time? what has changed if anything?  sometimes when i see these posts i don’t even want to respond~ like i am afraid i will catch the drinking bug from them. however i know i can’t ignore these “friends”~ they need my support and yours too~ we have to give back what was so freely given to us.

whatever i am doing at present seems to be working and i only can pray that it will continue tomorrow, next week and next month~ i will not drink today and i will only focus on today.  i will not think about tomorrow, next week or next even year.  i will continue participating (key word) and attending 12 step meetings.  i am working with a sponsor and after vacation we are going to start tackling step 4.  i will continue attending and participating (key word) at church and praying to my higher power~ i lost my spirituality and connection to God the last few years and coincidentally that was the same time my drinking became a serious problem and affecting my everyday life.  i will stay connected and continue to build my real life support system.  the social media world is great but for me, i need people in my everyday life who are on the same journey as me.  this is what i am doing differently this time and it seems to be working~ and the best part~ i can’t remember the last time i felt guilt or shame~ or upset w/ myself b/c i let someone down or didn’t do what i said i would do~

so on vacation if i complain to myself my shorts are a lil too tight or catch myself giving the snake eye to that hot mom that looks incredible in her bikini~ i will remind myself that i am a sober warrior~ i feel pretty damn good about myself and how cool i look as a sober momma~ i love who i am becoming and i can’t remember the last time i felt this way and could even acknowledge it to myself and others!

wishing you all a wonderful week and hope the snow gods are give you a break and you begin to defrost in your neck of the woods.  i promise to wear lots of sunblock and take some pics to share with you when i return on happy hearts day!

thank you as always for reading and your support!

hugs,

momma bee

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6 thoughts on “why this time?~ well so far anyway~

  1. I think it is so awesome that you are already aware that you will probably be seeing women in bikinis that look amazing and that you may catch yourself giving them the stink eye for it (I am guilty of this too)–but that you are already prepared to remind yourself that you really shouldn’t give a shit about how good they look and whether you have gained a few pounds during your almost year of sobriety. Because, along with those few pounds you also gained a LIFE. A life full of experiences that you can remember the next day. You are sober and you are AWESOME! Have a great time on your vacation!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Congrats on 323 days! Woot woot! I am so very happy for you! And you are working hard at it, this maybe the difference, or you were just done and ready to move on. Sometimes it just takes a few tries! It took me a few too, so i can always relate and i try to support others.

    Have an awesome trip and hope to hear about it when you are back! Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

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