Just a quick check in post to let you now I am ok, just crazy busy. The kids started back to school this week and I have been really busy at work~ which doesn’t leave enough time to read and blog. I hate that summer is over~ summer for me is usually less stressful, more time to relax and I seem to have less “things to do”. I am going to miss my beach time~ it truly is my happy place. Winter is dark and depressing and I don’t really care for it.
I haven’t been able to read much for pleasure or recovery material as of late.
Late July and early August I got lazy or complacent and hardly went to any recovery meetings. I noticed the last few weeks I have been more anxious and was starting to isolate. I don’t hear much from “my sponsor” often, honestly maybe every 2 weeks however I don’t really reach out to her either. The meetings I go to usually are not the same as hers. In June she gave me a Step 1 assignment and I did it on my own but we haven’t met back up to go over it. We tried a few times but our schedules don’t met up. I think I need to find a new sponsor. I made a list of things I am looking for in a sponsor and I think its important that we are in the same meeting circle. I see her, she sees me and if I am missing or skipping out she would know….. So this is something I need to do this month~ being almost 6 months sober I should be into more steps I think. Hell, maybe it is me avoiding it~ I think I need a little push.
I have been focusing on eating better (down a few lbs) and been trying to get back to the gym. I actually hired a trainer for 10 sessions and we will meet twice a week starting tomorrow~ this is not going to be pretty! I pretty much have broken my sugar habit and I needed too. I def. replaced sugar and food after taking booze out of my diet. With my addictive personality, I don’t need to replace my alcohol addition with anything else.
I haven’t had any urges to drink or needed to talk myself out of any crazy thoughts- but I have been isolating and wanting to do nothing~ this is not a good combination I know. I’m thankful I have no urges to drink, but I still have times I wish I could just shut my brain down, “relax” and numb out. Last weekend there was some family drama and I was SO SO THANKFUL I was not drinking. I know if I was things would of gotten more out of hand and could of been pretty ugly. I was present and thinking clearly for my family and for myself. The drama did involve drinking and I really wish my boyfriend wasn’t a big drinker. I think it adds more unnecessary stress on my life and others and I have no control over it. That right there, CONTROL is something, I am realizing is a big part of my alcoholic personality. I am uncomfortable when I am not in control, whether it is a good situation or bad. I need to learn to let go and not be in control of everything and relax a bit. However, on the other hand, things that I can’t control that have some negativity in my life, really bothers me and I want to fix it. I guess this is all part of the 12 Step program and how I need to start incorporating it into my life.
This is all part of the journey and will be a slow process but I am willing to let it all go and put it in God’s hands. I know drinking and numbing is not the answer anymore~ it never was.
Thank you for reading and all your support~ you can catch me on twitter, @ sobermommabee. I usually check in there daily~ Have a great weekend.
Sober Day 171