wow, 5 months sober~

Today I celebrate 5 months~ wow I can’t believe it.

I started my sober journey in 2012 after finding Belle’s Blog  http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/

After struggling with my drinking for the past 3-4 years, I knew deep down inside I had an issue with alcohol but boy I did want to address it. I knew it was more now than just drinking too much at social events. I was using alcohol daily to cope, not think, shut off my brain. I wanted to drink alone at night after everyone was in bed. I wanted to be alone and I hid the amounts I was consuming. Honestly looking back, I didn’t know how bad I was. It was like I was on auto pilot, going thru the motions, an empty shell. In October 2013, I joined Team 100 (again) but this time I did everything I could to get 100 sober days. This was my first successful attempt to string together more than 15 sober days after so many tries at moderation and countless day ones.

It took me a long time to really get my act together but even after I finally completed my first 100 days~ I still didn’t get it. In the beginning, my sober pen pals promised me things would get better~ just take that first drink. Belle said, do what ever you have too but don’t drink, even if you have to eat a whole cherry pie but don’t take that first drink. It has taken me almost a year but things finally clicked. For me, I needed to surrender. It wasn’t until after my 100 days (Feb. 2014) where I vowed to continue on for 180 days. However I never made it past 102. At the time I wanted to blame it on my tropical all-inclusive adult only vacation. I wanted to have fun, party it up, be free, do what ever I thought I wanted. I went with the voice inside my head.

Now I understand, I was not ready to surrender. Upon returning from vacation and back in the real world, it didn’t take me long for the thinking about drinking to start again. Can I have a glass tonight, did I have drink too much, can I drink today, how many days should I wait???? Thankfully it was only a few weeks and I realized I couldn’t go back to where I was. I wanted to be free of the constant chatter in my head. At that point, I knew I was in it for the long haul. I didn’t want to take the next step and I never imagined I would but I knew for me, I needed in real life support. I needed to try a 12 step program. I couldn’t go alone, I tried once and chickened out. I reached out to a friend who I believed was in a program and she took me to my first meeting. I knew the gig was up. Once I stepped into that room the drinking party was over, I had to find another way to cope and live my life. When I came home that Thursday night, I felt a weight lifted. I knew this is what I needed to do. Maybe that was my spiritual awakening.

I understand now the importance in the beginning is to focus on to NOT DRINK~ for me it took a few tries over a year. When I finally told myself, you can do it for 100 days, you won’t die w/o a drink and life won’t totally suck did things start to click. We live in a society that we want everything here and now. This process, my recovery, is not going to be fixed over night. It is going to take a while and I have lots to do but I look forward to it. Recovery is a life change, a journey and I am so thankful I am on the right path.

I am so thankful for the sober bloggers in cyberspace because without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Thank you Belle, Kristy, Ellie, Auntie Lex, Annie, Josie, Julie, Paul and so so many others.

As always, thanks for reading and all your support.

Momma Bee
Day 154