This past Saturday I celebrated 4 months of sobriety~ my longest streak ever. However I am not going for a streak anymore, or participating in a challenge, or following a special diet. Sobriety is now part of my life, my way of living. I have come to to terms that:
1. I am powerless over alcohol – that my life had become unmanageable.
2. I now believe that a Power greater than myself can restore my sanity.
3. I need to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my God as I understand Him.
I do believe if I didn’t finally reach out and ask a friend to take me to support group meeting, I would not be celebrating 127 days of sobriety. I mostly listen at meetings, only shared a few times, but more importantly I am listening. I am soaking a lot in. I am reading my books, sober blogs and listening to various pod-casts. Through all the listening, I am learning a lot of things about myself. A LOT~ The journey I am now on is a life long journey. I need to learn more about myself, how my past affected me and how it will effect my future. Being present (BTW, I never heard that or knew what that saying meant a year ago) is very important and the key to healing. I have to “be here.” There are still days I do not want to be present and want to escape my own head but that isn’t the answer and that is what got me into this mess of depression, anger, hatred, jealousy, hurt, and shame. That list is endless. Thankfully I don’t think about drinking much at all. Every once in a while a thought pops into my head out of no where. For instance this past weekend we were away for a long weekend. My partner and I along with the kids were having lunch at a restaurant outside on the deck with a gorgeous view of the lake. The weather was perfect and it was a fabulous scenery of sailboats and mountains. I just wanted a glass of white wine in my hand to make this moment perfect, complete. A waitress walked by with a Bloody Mary (oh my favorite) and I said out loud, that right there is what I miss, a good Bloody Mary. My BF just looked at me and smiled. I shared that story with a new friend at my recovery meeting last night and she said, “but that one drink wouldn’t have been just be one, it would have lead to many more.” She is so right. I was never one just to have 1 or 2 drinks with lunch. It would be a few and that would kick start the day with many more to come.
Looking back the moment was perfect. My family was just re-united that morning after we picked up my youngest from camp where he was for a month. We were taking an extended weekend at a friends cabin up in the mountains. We just toured the Baseball Hall of Fame, my oldest was in his glory. It was beautiful town and a gorgeous day. We shopped, walked, ate ice cream and all took turns at the batting cages. (BTW, Momma still got it.) No one was fighting, no one was in a mood and no one was drunk, tipsy or acting goofy.
It was a day of good times we will all remember. I am grateful for my recovery journey. It won’t always be easy but it will always be better than the other option…..
Thank you for reading and your support!