I just posted a whole post and POOF it freaking vanished~ So I will try this again….. (BTW, I am trying to let the anger go however it is not working too well at the moment, lol)
So what have I been up too?
I had a nice Mothers Day weekend with my boys. I walked on the beach, cooked out with the family, napped and even sat on the beach for a few hours yesterday which produced some hot pink lobster legs! I had no desire either to drink at all, even when I was on the beach. Our beach is dry which means you are not allowed to drink liquor in public anywhere on the beach or in the town. The last few years, more and more people have been drinking on the beach. I never seen anyone get busted but occasionally you hear the clinks of cans/bottles and see plenty of those famous red solo cups. So once I saw others doing it, I started to sneak drinks too. This summer there will be no sneaking booze of any kind for me, especially those new cute, little picnic type wine boxes. Since it was the first unexpected warm day of the season, there were not many people on the beach. It was quite lovely actually. I am a beach lover and try to spend many weekends as possible at my family beach home.
Last week I only made it to one AA meeting and one visit to the gym… Since my attendance was not stellar, I hope to make my goal of 3 meetings & 3 workouts this week. I had no real reasons why I skipped, I guess I was just being lazy and in a little funk.
A week ago while I was out to dinner with my oldest son, who is just about to turn 15, asked me out of the blue about my lack of drinking. I have been waiting for the right time to talk to them (him and his brother) about it. Since it was just him and I, I came clean and admitted I have quit drinking. I explained how I have been depressed the last year or so and I didn’t like how much alcohol I was drinking. I said I was using alcohol to cope and make me feel better however it only made me feel worse. I explained how alcohol is a depressant and a drug and often times not as fun as people or the advertisers try to picture it. I also explained that alcoholism runs in our family and my mother quit drinking with help from AA when I was very young. He said he noticed Grandmom never drinks and asked if I talked to her about it. I said no, not yet and right now just us, my boyfriend and a few close friends know. I explained I am not really comfortable talking about it openly and it is something I like to keep between us for now. He went on to tell me that he noticed that sometimes I drink too much at parties or picnics but not really at home. (Ummm, guess I hid the at home drinking better than I thought) He also told me about a time last summer he had to walk me home from a friends because I was really drunk and it upset him. He had a friend staying over so I assume I embarrassed him. I apologized and said a mom should never do that to a child and I hope he can forgive me. I explained that is why I decided drinking is just not for me anymore. He said he wanted to leave me to walk alone but was afraid what might happen. I also thanked him for staying with me and taking care of me. That was the first time he ever said anything to me about me drinking. I know there are a few more but he didn’t bring it up. That right there is why I can no longer drink. I am ashamed that as a parent I did that and I never want either of my children to be embarrassed, ashamed or hurt from my actions.
He also said since we are being honest with each other, can I tell you something? I said of course. He told me the week prior at a family party one of the dads offered him a beer to drink. He poured it in a red cup and drank almost all of it. He admitted he felt a little buzzed and did feel the effects. I asked if he liked the taste? He said it tasted OK but the buzzed feeling was weird. I thanked him for telling me and promised I would not tell that dad you told me. Since it was a family event (I was there and sober) I will let this slide but if it happens again, please say no thank you. I now know I need to keep an eye on things, even at family parties where I am present. Since I am not concerned about getting my own buzz on, I can and will be more aware of my surroundings. We also had a big discussion about teen drinking and I expressed (again) he can and should call me if he is ever in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation, no matter what time it is and I will come get him and or his friends with no questions asked. I will not be angry and I wouldn’t punish him if he calls however if he doesn’t and I find out things later, no promises. I explained a parents worst fear is a phone call from the police that something terrible has happened and there is no second chances for anyone in that situation.
I am a single mom and my sons relationship with his father is basically non-existent at this time. I have noticed that last several months he has been more open and he has talked to me about more teen things. He is a quiet kid and tends to keep a lot of things to himself. I can only hope now that I am sober and more present, our relationship and communication will only get better. If I am not there for him or his brother, who will be?
I hope I covered everything I wrote in my original post. Thanks again for reading, your support and all your encouragement in my sober journey.
Sober Day 55