My sober friend is taking me to my first AA meeting tonight… she is picking me a lil early so we can get coffee. Its a Big Book meeting and it is co-ed. That is all I know~ I checked online and I think its a few towns over, actually a meeting I saw online and thought, that could fit in my schedule.
Yesterday while eating breakfast alone with my boyfriend I finally brought it up. He knows nothing of my sober blog, friends in the sober blogging world etc. I was nervous and on the verge of tears…. I always get like this on “tough topics”. I said, “I have something to ask you?” Then I was getting choked up, waited a few moments and he said, What? I started to talk and you can hear my the quivering teared up voice. He said, oh jeez, what is it now? I ignored that comment~lol!. I mumbled out, “Do you like me better as a non drinker?” Honey, I like you any way you are. “Well I like myself better and I feel better. I don’t feel guilt, shame etc.” He said, you seem happier, we get along better and we don’t fight. (Yup, all true!) “I reached out to an old friend and she asked me to go to an AA meeting with her and I think I will.” Does she have an issue with drinking? “No, she has been sober for 9 years.” Do you feel you need it? Do you have cravings? “No, I don’t have cravings anymore, I just think I am better off. I’m a better mom now and it is not healthy for me and when I drink, I want more until it is all gone.” Well its good you don’t have cravings. “I don’t want this to affect our relationship. I don’t want people to talk about me or say I am a loser.” If anyone says anything bad about you or anything negative, I will punch them in the fucking face. Conversation ended as my son walked into the door……
I think I was more scared to just talk about it out loud and in person with someone in my real life…… we have talked about my alcohol intake a few times the past 2 years. It is no secret that I have hidden the amounts I drank, my drinking alone, getting shit faced and pretending I am not. As well as all the other shit over drinkers do. He has always supported me when I cut back and when I did my 100 sober days this past winter. (However he still drank and will continue to drink.) There is so much more I could of said and more in depth I could of went but I think that was enough for yesterday. Drinking is an issue for me and in my opinion, as well for him. He is a big drinker and can drink beer like no other. However, this is not about him, its about me. He doesn’t really drink at home, thank God but he still drinks. As long as I worry about myself and not his drinking, things will be fine. I can only focus on me. If he is happy with his drinking habits, than so be it.
I am not happy with mine.
Wish me luck tonight~