Where do I go from here?

the guilt is rising inside me…. I don’t want to think about it….. I want to pretend it is not happening.  I let myself slip back into my old ways.  I want to not think and live in a bubble where everything is perfect and not deal with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, I just want to be.

Why??

I felt great not drinking and working on me for those 100 days.  Now, 5 weeks after my vacation where I started drinking again I can see myself going back to that dark place. Today I feel depressed, guilt, anger, and hatred with myself.  In these past 5 weeks, I drank 6 times at social events but not at home.  That was ok right, because they were special events and I wasn’t drinking at home or alone?  Each time was in excess and I was drunk at the end of the night.  However last night I drank at home, alone (per se) and I kind of hid it.  (meaning I didn’t say, hey honey I’m having a bloody mary in my big red solo cup, care to join me?) I had two large Bloody Mary’s and finished off the vodka.  That vodka has been in the house since October 23, when I vowed to quit for 100 days.  (See Belle’s blog:)

https://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/tag/100-day-challenge/

I never touched that vodka or my honey’s beer.  Never had the desire or thought too.  I drank at home quite often the last two years and most of the time alone while everyone else was asleep.  Many mornings I would wake with an obnoxious hangover.  I don’t want that anymore.  I don’t want to be that person again…..

During those 100 days, once I had a few weeks under my belt, the thought never crossed my mind to stop and pick up a bottle of wine after work.  I would go through my normal evening routine with no thought of drinking.  Yesterday was a different story when driving home.  I had to tell myself, don’t stop, don’t do it.  I reached out and texted a friend from my sober blogging world.  I texted her, I will not drink today.  I told myself, I will not drink tonight.  I used Belle’s technique/thought process: just for today, just for tonight I will not drink.  I walked into my house and 10 minutes later while making dinner, I made my cocktail.

Why? 

Why was I determined 10 minutes after I told my friend I wouldn’t drink that I did?  Why, when I was driving home listening to the Bubble Hour podcast on high functioning alcoholics
http://www.thebubblehour.com/2014/03/re-broadcast-sarah-allen-benton-author.html
did I have to turn it off?  I was relating as usual to the many things being discussed by the hosts, that I decided to stop listening and turn it off.  I turned it off because I knew in my head I didn’t want to hear it.  I wanted a drink.  I wanted to zone out.  I wanted to relax.  I wanted something to make me not think.  I wanted to escape.

Why?  Why zone out, escape reality?  Why? 

What am I avoiding or searching for?

Today I sit here, not hung over but guilt ridden.  I didn’t drink enough to get drunk.  That is not bothering me but its the fact I did it when I said I wouldn’t.  I did it at home which has been my sober safe place.  I did it in hiding. 

Where do I go from here?

Momma Bee

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9 thoughts on “Where do I go from here?

  1. Hey there. I'm glad you posted! I don't begin to understand half the things I do, but taking alcohol off the table is the only solution that works for me and I had to try and fail repeatedly at moderation before I got there. It wasn't an overnight process for me, and I don't guess it ever is. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to email me at byebyebeer@gmail. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be where you are. Even if you never understand yesterday, you know another way and you never have to do it alone.

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  2. Oh, my heart aches for you. I totally understand. I still battle daily with the desire to drink. Not just a thought to drink, the actual “I have to have it no matter what” desire. Don't beat yourself up. You made it to 101 and that is awesome. You can do it again, I just know it. {hugs} D

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  3. Hi Momma bee, I am so glad that you have shared this with us, it takes lots of courage to admit that you have slipped into your old ways. I can totally understand your struggles, I too went back and forth for a while. Getting sober is hard, it's not just about putting down the drink, it is learning how to live life on life's terms, it's finding new ways to cope, to relax and to escape. And believe me those do exist in sobriety! It was crucial for me to find these because I didn't know how to live life without alcohol at all. This is why I still attend meetings and read many blogs and books and stay connected. Glad you're back, you can try again, just don't give up!

    You can also email me at newsoberlife@gmail.com. Hang in and sending many hugs!

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  4. Hi Momma Bee
    I think you've done amazingly so far and, whenever this kind of stuff happens, people seem “too ready” to just write off what they've achieved and presume themselves to be living in “the failure zone” or something like that.
    To me, it just looks like part of the road. The road's full of potholes and people are going to damage a tyre along the way but that's no failure. Just a pothole.
    I'm on Day 70 today, so I'm MILES behind what you've achieved :o)
    Best of everything to you and see you back out on the road when you're ready :o)
    G x

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  5. Thank you for your kind words. Its nice to know that I am not alone and sometimes some fall off their bike a few times. Not everyone gets it right the first time. I am def. in a better place than I was a year ago. I am not giving up. I am right back and promise to stay close w/ my lil bag of tricks to hemp me. Thank you again I will stay in touch!

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  6. Congrats G, day 70 is awesome. Thank you for reaching out, it means a lot. I used the same analogy yesterday… my road is bumpy and curvy and I don't like it but I don't have a choice, I am already on it. I fixed my flat and I am back on my way. Day 2. I look forward to following your journey also! Thanks, MD

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  7. Thank you D. I know I can do it again and I will. Just got to dust myself off and stay closer. I saw it coming and I looked the other way instead of using my tools and putting myself first. Congrats to you and I look forward to our journey.

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  8. Thanks BBB, its so nice to know I am not alone. Who knew right? I appreciate you reaching out and I am not giving up. In my heart I knew I had to reach out and not bury my head and the support was amazing. I feel so much better today! So much! thank you.

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  9. I, like DanglngOnTheEdge, battle the cravings still. At 96 days I still have these moment of sheer irritation that I am not drinking a glass (bottle) of wine. Around those moments, however, is a sober rhythm that I that am coming to take for granted. I can see just how easy it would be to slip between those two realities – the flash of irritation and the almost-monotonous rhythm – and have a nice glass of unoaked Chardonnay. Thank you for blogging about it your experience. Big hugs, eew

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