Is it time for AA?

Today is 43 days since my last hangover, gulp of wine, and purchase of any booze……

I have been reading many sober blogs, I joined a private yahoo group online, listened to sober podcasts, started using the words “my sobriety”, and just recently researching AA meeting locations online…..

I have said AA meetings are not for me.  I think the reason I say that is I am scared or afraid to admit to the world and especially myself, I have an alcohol problem.  I am alcoholic.  I don’t like the word “alcoholic”.  I don’t like labels.  I don’t like negative words like, fat, ugly, or mean.  If someone called me those words or thought that about me I would be upset, hurt and sad.  Maybe if people think (or know?) I am an alcoholic, I would be hurt, upset and disappointed in myself.  However when I listen to other women in the sober community accept and embrace the word alcoholism it seems the only way to move forward.  In my heart I know that I have a problem with alcohol.  I have tried moderation and it eventually leads back to binges of a bottle of wine or more a day with a day break here and there.  I believe I need to accept I am powerless of alcohol.  I never just want one glass of wine and majority of the time I am going to bed drunk or passed out.  Doesn’t that mean I am powerless over alcohol?  Shouldn’t the best thing for my health, my future and my children is to give up booze forever?  Just accept “forever” and move to the next step?

I believe the only way for certain to know these answers and take the next step in my journey is to explore the route of face to face meetings.  I enjoy the sober blogging community and it has been very helpful for me so far but I believe the help doesn’t stop there.  Isn’t the next step either counseling or a 12 step meeting program? Why am I so afraid? Should I just wait a little more and see how I feel after a few more weeks? Should I just bite the bullet and attend a meeting?  We are taught you can’t say something is not for you or you don’t like it if you don’t try it.

As a child I sat and stared at the plate of brussel sprouts for a very long time because my grandmother wouldn’t let me get up without trying at least one.  I eventually did and said I hate them.  Now some 25 years later, I love brussel sprouts.  Grandmom probably shakes her head when she looks down from heaven and sees me eating a plate of them.  I wonder what she is thinking of me now as I type this??

Momma Bee

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4 thoughts on “Is it time for AA?

  1. I did AA in the beginning and can honestly say it really helped me. I went to my first meeting with someone I knew, but after that went solo. I was terrified to go the first time, and then once I was there it just made sense. Super nice people overall, but the big thing that helped was listening to all of those stories. If you go, bring a $1 for donation and an open mind and take it from there. As for the word alcoholic, yep, still hate it but it stings less and less. Brussel sprouts are definitely an acquired taste and look how much we've come to like those 🙂

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  2. If you do decide to try out AA, will you please let me know how it goes? I cant see myself sitting in a church basement and can't help but picture that scene in Fight Club where everyone is sitting around smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and crying. I know that is bad, but I can't help it. I will be interested in knowing what you decide to do. Good luck!!!

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  3. I love the brussel sprouts analogy!

    AA is a funny thing. I don't need to tell you, or anyone, that it is different things to different people. Some groups are better than others, some nights for those groups are better than others… for me I got out of it what I put into it, like a lot of the rest of my life. I don't go with the frequency I once did and I still do not subscribe to every aspect of it but it has been an invaluable tool for me on my journey of self discovery.

    MB, you write about very honest, raw revealing thoughts and emotions. It takes an amazing amount of strength to do what you do. Whatever you choose to do heretofore I know will be what is right for you and your well-being. Thank you for posting.

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